Let's all ask Garfield!
by candelight
Summary: This is a Q&A session between normal people....and the rudest, fattest cat in the continental U.S.


Q: Garfield, help! My mom always makes me a yummy peanut butter sandwitch for lunch, but she always puts the jelly piece on the wrong

side. What do I do?

A: Here's a revolutionary idea: EVER THINK OF TURNING THE RIDICULOUS SANDWITCH UPSIDE DOWN?! WEEEELLLLL?!

* * *

Q: Dear Garfield, Oh, no! My mom says unless my Math grade picks up, I won't be allowed to go to Summer Camp! What do I do?

A: Drop Math. That's for squares. Take up cooking and make your-and my-existence meaningful.

* * *

Q: Quick Question, Garfield. Do you believe the phrase "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink?"

A: As a matter of fact, I do, but I believe it needs some elaboration. I believe you should add, "But you can also make him drown. And when you

remind him of that, he'll probably be willing to drink."

* * *

Q: Dear Garfield, I'm single and desperate. How do I score with the ladies?

A: Who is this, Jon?

* * *

Q: Can you give me a bit of daily wisdom, Garfield?

A: Certainly. Never insult anyone holding a bag of dog doo and a tennis racket.

* * *

Q: Do you believe in predicting the future, Garfield?

A: I do! I do it with the yuck that's left in my hot chocolate after I drink it. If you see a heart in the yuck, it symbolizes love. If you see a tree, it

means you will live a long life.

If you see a pot of gold, you'll be very lucky soon. If you see a dead fly, well, that could quite possibly mean you'll be buying your hot chocolate

somewhere else in the future.

* * *

Q: Garfield, how do I tell the jerks in my life to leave me alone?

A: Forgive them after you bury them alive. But be sure to wish them a good day like the worthless squirrels they are.

* * *

Q: Dear me! Garfield, I'm so embarrased! Every time I invite my friends over for tea, they see all the cat hair on my couch! What do I do?

A: Simple, you clod. QUIT INVITING PEOPLE TO YOUR HOUSE!

* * *

Q: Garfield, how do you feel about people in general?

A: In general? I think you're all generally rotten.

Maybe that's a little harsh.... I Love Everybody. Except You, Pinheads.

* * *

Q: What's your opinion about school?

A: It's skool, you little idiot, and skool prepares you for the real world, which is also a big, fat, hairy deal.

* * *

Q: Garfield, my boss is so cruel to me, but I need my job. What do I do?

A: Simple. Summon a league of undead pirates and have him call you in the morning. I believe you'll be able to work something out.

* * *

Q: Garfield, how does thinking about mankind make you feel? Proud? Upset?

A: Oh? Mankind?

Hating you makes me All warm and fuzzy inside.

* * *

Q: Garfield, I want to tell my student bullies to stop. What should I tell them to say to people they pick on?

A: Prevent violence. Give me your lunch money.

* * *

Q: I think you're the greatest ever, Garfield!

A: ......Silence! Thank you for not making me your drapes, however.

* * *

Q: How do I regulate my rage, Garf?

A: Let's Keep Notes On Who infuriates us the most-keep it around when you see them. Like idiots who insist on calling me Garf.

* * *

Q: Garfield, my husband is such a slack-off, at work and at home. How can I get him to be more serious?

A: Never be serious in life. It's not like you're going to get out alive.

____

Q: Oh, Garfield-in a recent family argument, everyone is now pointing the finger at ME. Whatever am I to do?

A: First of all, stop whining. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

____

Q: Garfield, what's your outlook on life?

A: Catbox, cat bed, lasagna, Teddy bear. Everything's good.

____

Q: Garfield, my husband thinks I'm too old for him! Whatever shall I do?

A: That sounds like another comment I received from all of you: _"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked_

_me in the cellar."_

____

Q: How do you want to die, Garfield

A: When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. But then again.....I STILL have to wonder who put a cat in the driver's seat....

____

Q: Garfield, do you recommend any fabric softeners?

A: Sorry. I don't speak English.

Q: What? It sounds like you speak English.

A: Nope. I do not speak a word of English, you little nothing, and, if you do not mind, I am going to sleep now.

____

Q: Garfield-my husband is ALWAYS playing tricks on me in public! How do I get back at him!

A: What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?  
'Hold my purse.'

Unless you're Jon-he brings a Binky the Clown handbag.

____

Q:Garfield-please help. My daughter is hopeless in school. She never answers when the teacher calls on her! What do I do?!

A: What you call a dog with no legs?  
Don't matter what you call him, he is NOT gonna come.

____

Q: Hey, Garfield. How do i become popular with the "higher crowd?"

A: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? And why do they make you pay for another one after you're done stitching her mouth shut?

____

Q: I love you, Garfield.

A: Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll ignore you.

____

Q: I've been kidnapped in my life before, Garfield. My family handles it oddly-but what do I do?

A: When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my bed.

____

Q: What's your medical advice, Garfield?

A: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Or vet's.

____

Q: What's your idea of a perfect man or woman, Garfield?

A: Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. And the perfect woman needs to have a healthy regard of pasta.

____

Q: I'm always being beat in video games, Garfield! What do I do?

A: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

____

Q: What's your favorite childhood memory, Garfield?

A: Why, learning to ride my two wheeler, of course....through my neighbor's flower bed.

____

Q: Garfield, I'm a teacher. The students in my classroom are always coming up with crafty lies about their homework! What should I do?

A: Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

____

Q: Garfield-can you help me? I keep daydreaming in class! How do I stay focused?

A: The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

____

Q: Is it true you're a vegetarian, Garfield?

A: I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

____

Q: When no one listens to me, why even bother talking, Garfield?

A: Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Now kindly shut it.

____

Q: My psychologist is soooo mean, Garf!

A: After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles. ¿Y por qué estoy el hablar a un gato?"

____

Q: Garfield? I feel I need to fix something in my life, but I don't know what it is. Can you help?

A: As they say in Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.


End file.
